Toasting the Real Winners and Losers of the VMAs By Rob Sheffield
Taylor Swift, you are so right: Life is a tough crowd! And so is the MTV Video Music Awards. Last night's big show lived up to all expectations for superstar excess, meat-dress antics, Jersey Shore hype, Gaga/Cher triumphs, Justin Bieber drum solos, Ke$ha trash-bag fashion, Wee-Man cameos, and Taylor/Kanye bananas-osity. It was a reminder that pop glitter will always be what MTV does best — because MTV was born this way, baby. So here's a brief rundown of the night's highs and lows. Let's have a toast for the douchebags!
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Taylor Swift
Everybody decided right away this awesomely whacked-out goth breakup ballad was about Kanye West, despite the lack of any lyrical evidence. ?Wasn't it easier in your firefly-catchin? days?? How the hell is that about a rapper from Chicago? There's the line ?you?re 32,? but lots of people are 32, and lots of them have done crazy shit lately. Maybe this song is about James Franco's stint on ?General Hospital?? Or ?Innocent? might be a pep talk for Ruben Studdard, American Idol's ?Velvet Teddybear,? who turned 32 the day of the VMAs. That dude's been through some tribulations lately. But really, ?Innocent? just sounds like it's about a sad girl with big dreams in a small town, like every other song Tay's ever written. I love the line, ?Lost your balance on the tightrope / It's never too late to get it back.? Tell that to the Flying Wallendas, sweetie — after you fall off the tightrope, it is, in fact, too late. Maybe Taylor needs her own Jackass-style warning label: don't go tightrope-walking with this girl! She?ll get you sponged off the sidewalk!
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Chelsea Handler
Damn, she had an off night. The brilliance of her show is the way she creates her own little show-biz cocoon where she's surrounded by underlings who suck up to her. On *Chelsea Lately*, everybody's desperate to kiss her ass, from the studio audience to the nobody comedians she eviscerates on those torturous panel discussions. But on MTV, where she wasn't even one of the two hundred most famous people in the room, she looked lost, tired and slow, croaking ancient jokes about Bieber's lesbian hair, AutoTune, Gaga's fashion and MC Hammer. She was far from the worst host of all time, though–Christian Slater, Jamie Foxx, the Wayans brothers and Diddy can fight over that honor.
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Lady Gaga
La Gagz won eight awards, wore three eye-poppingly garish costumes, and got to schmooze with Cher. Her surprisingly brief acceptance speeches thanked MTV for playing her videos (guess she's not watching much MTV these days) and the gays. She also announced the title of her new album ('Born This Way') and singing a few lines of the title song (which probably made Christina Aguilera see red). Here's predicting the album is full of sensitive piano ballads about believing in who you are and being a gay soldier in the Monster Army and asking Cher to hold your meat purse.
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Cher
?I?m the oldest chick with the biggest hair and the tiniest costume? was brilliant. It was her best MTV moment since she sang ?I Got You Babe? with Butthead.
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Kanye West
?Runaway? was easily the top performance of the night. It was funny, and Funny Kanye is always preferable to Non-Funny Kanye, although — perplexingly — Non-Funny Kanye is usually pretty damn funny. It involved the plunking of a very silly-looking Casio, the bombastic self-deprecation of the instant sing-along chorus (?Let's have a toast for the douchebags/ Let's have a toast for the assholes/Let's have a toast for the scumbags/Every one of them that I know!?), and a superbly poignant Abba-esque melody, which I liked even better when it was Natalie Imbruglia's ?Torn.? Also, who didn't love Ye's pre-show montage with the ballet dancers and the fawns?
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Jersey Shore
This season got off to a mighty slow start, mostly because of that snivelling Sammi-and-Ronnie show. (Sammi: ?I?m done!? Ronnie: ?I love so you much, it's my downfall!? Sammi: ?I?m done!? Ronnie: ?I hate you, you ungrateful bitch! Let's get a tattoo!? Sammi: ?I?m done!? Yes, you?re done.) But the last couple episodes have been doozies, and by premiering the killer Uncle Nino moment right before the VMAs, the Jersey Shore kids reminded everyone who runs MTV these days. Music videos, you are the grenade. All rock bands immediately report to the I?m Fucked Foundation — you?re the president and the client.
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Robyn
Best hair of the night, except maybe for Snooki.
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Nicki Minaj
That ?Video Killed The Radio Star? rap was the highlight of the preshow, but it was a real puzzle why she didn't rate a slot on the actual show. Her presenter shtick with Katy Perry was hilarious too. She did look mighty embarrassed when Will.I.Am showed up to ruin her song, but then, so would you.
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Rock Bands
When the big winner in the ?rock? category is 30 Seconds to Mars, and the closest thing to rock performances come from Linkin Park, Paramore and Florence + The Machine, it can safely be said that rock in general was the big loser of the night.
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Mary J. Blige
Oh yeah — this is what a singer sounds like. She shut down the whole show, including her duet partner Drake, who put up an admirable fight for his life, but for the rest of the night, you just wanted more Mary.
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Rihanna
She came dressed as Eve, and wore that cool rhinestone La Toya headband all night, yet didn't get to sing ?Rock Star? or indeed, anything at all, except a few lines of the opening (and decidedly tedious) Eminem showcase. Given how girls are running pop radio right now, it's definitely strange how most of the female stars in the house — Ri, Katy Perry, Robyn — didn't get real performance spots. And that goes double for Gaga, whose improvised vocal during her acceptance speech was the second-best singing of the night.
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Florence + the Machine
They definitely won the ?one for the moms and dads? award this year: ?See, kids, she's really hitting those notes. Back when I was your age, we had serious artists, like Tori Amos and Sarah McLachlan and Meredith Brooks! Damn you, music industry! How long will you make us wait for the new Sixpence None The Richer??
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Roseanne Barr
Chelsea joked that she was the first female host of the show since 1994, but it was an unwise comparison, since (believe or or not) Roseanne totally killed it in 1994. In fact, Roseanne was the far-and-away funniest VMA host of the pre-Chris Rock era. Respect!
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Justin Bieber
He could do no wrong last night, whether he was posing as Usher's Mini-Me, getting stalked by Kim Kardashian (is she really Biebin? out with him? Is he really gonna Bieber home tonight?), fumbling with his blue-tinted shades, or playing that ?In A Gadda Da Bieber? drum solo. If only we got a Wee-Man/Bieber duet.
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MTV
In recent years the VMA franchise has experienced ups (2003, 2002, 2006) and downs (2005, 2004, 2007) and blahs (2008, 2009). But this added up to the most entertaining VMA show in years, and people actually watched it. The ratings were huge: the VMAs drew 11.4 million viewers, more than any MTV broadcast since the 2002 VMAs. Does this mean MTV will take the hint and start playing music again? Does this mean MTV will say, ?hey look, when we devote a night to pop stars, the fans show up?? Does this mean any of those 11.4 million viewers stayed for World Of Jenks instead of switching to Cannibalism Secrets Revealed? Don't count on it.
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Britney
She didn't get mentioned once. If I?m not mistaken, that's the first time this has happened since 1997. Does this mean Britney's been forgotten? Never that! It just means that her comeback clock is already ticking for next year's VMA show. Let's have a toast for the Britzbags!