Ladies and Gentlemen, the GOP Presidential Nominee, Donald Trump
Greetings, Republican friends. If you’re just tuning in, you’ve shown up right on time to meet your party’s general election candidate. He’s new to politics — this is the first time he’s run for elected office — but he threw himself into the primary with enthusiasm, familiarizing himself on all the important issues, such as trade, immigration and health care.
Name: Donald John Trump
Age: 69
Height: 6’3″, according to himself (6’0.5″, according to CelebHeights.com)
Hometown: Queens, New York
Astrological sign: Gemini
Here’s a little more about Donald, in his own words.
UPDATE, May 5th: On Hispanics
Happy #CincoDeMayo! The best taco bowls are made in Trump Tower Grill. I love Hispanics! https://t.co/ufoTeQd8yA pic.twitter.com/k01Mc6CuDI
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 5, 2016
On abortion
“There has to be some form of punishment [for women who seek abortion].”
On American soldiers in general, and John McCain in particular
“He’s not a war hero. He was a war hero because he was captured. I like people who weren’t captured.”
On African-Americans
“Laziness is a trait in blacks.”
On climate change
“Any and all weather events are used by the GLOBAL WARMING HOAXSTERS to justify higher taxes to save our planet!”
On China
“We can’t continue to allow China to rape our country.”
On Jews
“I have black guys counting my money… I hate it. The only guys I want counting my money are short guys that wear yarmulkes all day.”
On guns
“I believe in [the Second Amendment right to bear arms] so strongly, and if you take the guns away from the good people… the bad ones are going to have target practice.”
On the Environmental Protection Agency
“What they do is a disgrace. Every week they come out with new regulations.”
On immigration
“I would build a great wall — and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me — and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border. And I will have Mexico pay for that wall.”
On integrating the military
“26,000 unreported sexual assaults in the military. Only 238 convictions. What did these geniuses expect when they put men & women together?”
On Ivanka Trump, his daughter
“She does have a very nice figure. If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”
On Iran
“Iran continues to delay the nuclear deal while doing many bad things behind our backs. Time to WALK and double the sanctions. Stop payments!”